Hideo Kojima found inside cave

Quack Reactor

The Kojima Productions and Konami scandal is causing many fans to worry about the future of the Metal Gear Solid and Silent Hill franchise, since the Kojima brand has been taken down from the official Metal Gear and Silent Hills promos and sites. A report from someone claiming to be an employee at Kojima Productions has said that there was a power struggle between the two companies. Once Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain is complete, Hideo Kojima and the top dogs at Kojima Productions will get the boot. Kojima has been pretty quiet about the whole controversy, but Konami has said that there’s nothing to worry about…until now.

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It turns out that Metal Gear creator Hideo Kojima has been missing for weeks. Where was he the entire time? Gagged and tied inside a giant cardboard box inside a cave, no thanks to the Dwarf Gekkos, advanced robots capable of disguising themselves as humans. Mr. Kojima was lured inside the giant cardboard box via the CalorieMate placed inside by the machines. Once he went inside to take a nibble, that’s when the trap came falling down.

The petrified Kojima explained that the Gekkos were sent by Konami to prevent him from slapping Kojima Productions stickers everywhere:

“I had a zany idea where I wanted Kojima Productions logos everywhere. I slapped it on mugs, walls, behind people’s backs, and inside restroom stalls. I thought it was a harmless way to promote our great studio. Well, Konami thought I was mad with power, so they sent their machines after me.”

Seems like trapping Kojima and removing the Kojima Productions branding were only the first steps.

An insider inside Konami revealed that the real reason for trying to remove Kojima was because he discovered a dark secret. Konami secretly has a bipedal walking tank with the ability to launch David Hayter’s career again. After it was revealed that Hayter was replaced by Kiefer Sutherland, the original English Snake voice actor created Voice Actor Heaven, a place where voice actors were free to reprise their roles without the fear of being replaced. He was in collusion with Konami and wanted a way to get back at the Metal Gear creator. His plan failed.

How did Kojima free himself?

“I realized that a cardboard box wasn’t that heavy or strong. All I had to do was stand up, and the box just fell apart.”

Now that Kojima is free, Konami is now backtracking and slowly putting the Kojima branding back into some of the Metal Gear Solid titles.

Quack Reactor is a satirical segment on Nerd Reactor.

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