My (Slightly NSFW) Impressions of Fast Five

(Contains slight NSFW language and slight spoilers. You’ve been warned.)

Since my esteemed fellow colleagues made a podcost about the movie reviewing it and giving their impression of the movie, I decided to take the fact that I saw it as well and add a bit of a twist.  I didn’t have to sit by and objectively watch the movie, I was able to let myself and enjoy everything without questioning or thinking too hard. By God, did my mind crap its pants.

 

Now with Fast Five, I knew I wasn’t going in for a thinking man’s title. I was going in for cars, car chases, car stunts, cars being cars, cars being raced to win other cars, and cars doing car things. Once I took my seat and started munching on my popcorn, I was excited to see them be used in death defying stunts. What I didn’t expect was how awesome some of the stunts were. It all started with a bus breakout and built up from there. However, this movie is so action cliched that it begins to transcend actions cliches. What do I mean by that? Well, I guessed about 60% of the upcoming lines from most of the actors, and about 95% of the punchlines. The reason I was able to guess so accurately was that the line I predicted was the one that best fit in that scenario. But it’s not the lines that got me. It was the delivery.

 

Vin Diesel’s Dom was so action movie hero that at some point the movie stops treating him like a person and treats him more like Car Jesus. This guy is all of my childhood heroes mashed together from my favorite action flicks, then dumped into the fuel tank used to fuel Dom. I’ll go through a list of things: 1) Gets pissed off at seeing someone else attack a loved one, and gains Hulk strength, 2)  When he has his opponent down, restrains himself by beating the living piss out of some concrete floor instead of the guy’s face, 3)  Gets shot at by what has to be the equivalent of every bullet ever made ever and doesn’t get a scratch 4) Makes a woman love him by saying nearly nothing at all except stares that could make a great white shark crap itself out of sheer terror imbued with enough machismo to give anyone a beard with a glance.

The list goes on. By itself, Fast Five would have been “just ok” but Dom literally shows up on screen like some sort of video game character with God Mode on. Nothing phases him. Nothing. He gets shot at, beat down, races in a car that is pulling a damn vault down the highway against cops with the sole mission in life to kill him until he’s deadified at any means necessary. The movie itself didn’t want Dom to feel anything other than the feeling of victory and of his fists in his opponents face. The one moment where it looks like he might be hurt because he sacrificed himself to save the others, and his opponent drops dead from either the stare or bullets. I can’t be sure. Normally this would break a movie, but for some reason it was better this way. He can’t feel pain, so the only thing he can do is make sure everyone else can feel enough to cover for him.

These are just the action scenes. Let me introduce to you my favorite character in the movie.

I'm punching you in the junk with my eyes

My favorite is not Dom himself, but Dom’s stare. It in itself became a character that got laid. I kid you not. This stare showed up often in the movie, and when it did, things went down. He shot a stare into the camera and all women in the audience were suddenly with child and the men’s sperm count rose to over 9000. This stare took down a nuclear threat that has yet to happen. Aliens that were monitoring Earth decided that we were not to be messed with because they figure we’re crazy to be in the same solar system as that  piercing stare. It also awesomely punctuated every damn action line that he verbally punched the the air with. In short, it was so damn present and plot altering that it had more of an impact on the story than Ludicrous until the last five minutes when he actually does something. One of the women chasing him gets visibly turned on when it hits her. That’s just Dom by himself too. Which brings me to my final impression.

 

This shot alone about 50% of the things that make this movie great. (The other 50% is fast cars and women's butts.)

Look at this shot. Look at it. Don’t take your eyes away. The longer you stare, the more spirit power you will build up. Look at it for 6 hours a day for a one whole week and you’ll build up enough to unleash a spirit bomb on Planet Namek. The chemistry and the scenes that involved both Dom and Hopp are what makes this movie what it is. Their staredown at the car show exhibition race meet-up thingie rose the libido of everything within 7 miles in all directions. During their epic fight scene, I received a text message stating Osama Bin Laden was dead, and I refuse to believe that it’s just coincidence. I’m not entirely sure what I would call the chemistry those two had. Is it just two action hero men punching each other in a way that not even Superman fighting Batman who suddenly has Superman’s powers could match in terms of bad-assery? Is it two characters who were written by taking every character in one of the two types of action movie cliche hero (Military, Noble Rogue) into the vessels that house them and letting them loose on each other? Is it sexual tension? I DON’T KNOW (though the women in the audience that I asked attest that it is indeed sexual tension). All I know is that every single man that took his girlfriend to the movies is getting some that night, albeit she is probably going to ask you to tape this picture to your face.


What are my actual impressions of the movie as a whole? It’s a very entertaining flick with great action, stunts, camera work, and awesome set pieces to keep you in your seat from beginning to end. Don’t think about things too hard and you will find this movie more than fulfills your need for explosions and cars. I enjoyed the hell out of it, even though at points it was so cliched that I couldn’t do anything but chuckle. I encourage you to see this movie for Dom’s stare (the character) alone. It’s the most important character. I can’t for the life of me name any others.

 

 

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