Book Review: Sad Monsters: Growling on the Outside, Crying on the Inside

Holy crap I’m doing a book review! I hope you’re as shocked as I am, especially with the big name video game titles coming out. At this moment, I can feel my fingers twitching to get back murdering hordes of people in Battlefield 3, but my inner child wants to know why Godzilla questions his existence. Which brings us to Sad Monsters, a new book written by Emmy Award winning writer of The Colbert Report, Frank Lesser.

Sad Monsters is a quirky take on the problems behind some of Hollywood’s scariest stars. From King Kong to the Creature of the Black Lagoon, everyone’s favorite monsters are included in this book. Frank Lesser uses the same satirical comedy used on The Colbert Report and applies it to famous movie monsters.
Here’s a passage from the chapter “Groom of  Frankenstein.” The chapter is about the monster Frankenstein and his gay lover.

“So scream in horror all you want at our man-on-monster love. Yes, we’re a threat to your marriage, but only because if you try to stop our wedding my Frankenstein will rip your family apart. I’m shocked at the prejudice we’ve experienced. We moved to Berkley because we heard it was more accepting,  but apparently their version of tolerance only applies to gay people who don’t run amok through farmers’ market killing everyone in their path. These hypocrites don’t even seem to care the he runs on clean electricity.”

The book also includes hilarious chapters like “Igor’s Resume,” “The Ordinary Spider-Man” and the “Gremlin Owner’s Manual.”

“Rule No. 1: Never get your mogwai wet.
Rule No. 2: Keep your mogwai away from bright lights.
Rule No. 3: Never let him eat after Midnight.
(Jump ahead a few)
Rule No. 7: Never let him go outside in the cold with wet fur. Of course, if his fur is wet, you’ve blown rule No. 1. Which is really one of the most important ones. Maybe read the first three rules again?
Rule No. 8: Make sure he wears sunscreen when he goes to the beach. Wait, don’t take him to the beach. It’s near water (Rule No. 1), and it’s also almost always very bright (Rule No. 2).

Rule No. 11: The easiest way to kill a gremlin is exposure to direct sunlight. Perhaps tell your gremlin he’s won a free time share in a condo in Miami, and when he gets there he’ll find there are no window blinds? Other methods that have anecdotally been proven to work include microwaving your gremlin, blending him in a blender (on any setting higher than frappe), beheading him with a sword, shooting him, blowing him up in a movie theater, luring him into a department store’s water fountain and opening the shades to expose him to daylight, dipping him in cement that then hardens, and releasing a gremlin who’s been genetically crossbred with lighting into a room full of gremlins being sprayed by sprinklers.

Rule No. 16: On second thought, just return your gremlin for a refund. It’s store credit only, but we have some delightful Zombie Dobermans that we guarantee won’t turn into gremlins.”

There is an entire chapter about a suicide note from the bathtub that tries to eat the baby in Ghostbusters 2. This book is perfect for anyone that is a fan of The Colbert Report and has a love of old monster movies. I strongly recommend this, as I read it nonstop cover to cover.

Grade: A+

For more information on Sad Monsters, you can visit the official website at SadMonsters.com.

Sad Monsters is available now at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Powell’s Books and Indie Bound.

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Mike Villarreal
Mike Villarreal 1363 posts

Mike once killed a man with a plastic butter knife. True story. #ViolentGentlemen