Satirical, Sarcastic Battle: Los Angeles Review – Cinema Magnifique

::SPOILERS ABOUND::  ::Contains Expletives::

::Warning:: For fear that people may misunderstand the review, my opinion is actually the opposite of what is stated in the review. It’s a joke review poking fun at the movie. Get it? Also, please heap your praise/criticism on me, Ryan Southard, and not the other Nerd Reactor writers. A few of them liked the movie.


It has come to my attention that there are a lot of film critics bashing Battle: Los Angeles, so I feel that it is my duty, as a serious critic, to inform the public that they are possibly being misled by a large group of people who may be involved in a conspiracy in order to gain monetarily via other competing films.

Battle: Los Angeles Review


The Setup:

Aliens land in highly-populated coastal regions of the world and attack, in a landmark cinema extravaganza.

Some movies let you see what's going on around the characters. Battle: LA lets you see the characters' faces from one foot away, and thus no Oscar-winning facial expressions are missed.

Long scenes without jump cuts are so boring. Also, close-ups a plus:

I actually like the fact that the director constantly transitions between various random shots of the same subject. I find that when the camera stays on one shot for longer than two seconds that I get bored. I also really like all of the close-up shots director Jonathan Liebsman lavishes upon his fellow followers of fine film. Up until the point of seeing Battle: Los Angeles, I had always believed Aaron Eckhart was an android; but after seeing so close to his face that I could make out the texture of his skin, I’m definitely positive that there currently isn’t anyone on earth with the technology to replicate human skin so perfectly…yet anyway. I’ll keep you posted.

Sadistic military women with possible bi-polar disorder and a sensitive side just hit me right here ::pats heart::

There is this amazing scene in which the army dudes (and dudette) are barreling down a tunnel in a Hummer, and Michelle Rodriguez’ character is pumped and screaming out something like, “Fuck yeah! Mow those aliens down!” Then literally like ten seconds later she’s in a helicopter, sees the boy who she already knew lost his father, and then gives the saddest face you’ve ever seen. I’m contacting her now to tell her we should date.

Plots are overrated:

For those of you silly geese out there who don’t know the difference between plot and story, here’s the gist: the story is the general idea of what happens (aliens attack Earth), and the plot is the sequencing of major events. For more information, you can go here, but really, I don’t care much for plot, and that’s why this movie is amazing. The story is a simple one, and there’s hardly any plot; that’s why I can focus on the sweet action. Well, I use the term “focus” a bit loosely, because as I’ve said before, there are tons of close-up shots and quick jump cuts that it’s really hard to figure out what’s going on in half of the action sequences. I figure there must be something awesome going on in the parts that I can’t see. The power of imagination is a wonderful thing, folks.

Uplifting orchestral music is what powers marines. Proof.

Uplifting music should be everywhere, in almost every scene, because it makes me feel good

::pats heart again. tear drop::

I can’t tell you how empowering and uplifting the music in this movie is. There are a few scenes in which the aliens are attacking and people are dying, and while most other bad movies would employ music that is so-called “appropriate” for the scene, conveying despair, loss, anxiety, fear, anger, or any of several other emotions, Battle: Los Angeles’ composer, Brian Tyler, keeps the good vibes going. It seems to me that Brian Tyler was probably trying to convey to the audience that Marines are badass, and when you’re one of them, even when your friends are dying, and “shit gets real”, you feel damn good to be a marine. I’m going to exercise to this goddamn sound track.

Note: Not a Battle: Los Angeles Alien

I hate surprises in movies:

There are too many movies that keep you guessing. My friends and I have this club. We all play a game in which we try to guess what’s going to happen in the current scene. So, anyway, the marines were moving through a city with tons of smoke preventing visibility, and they were all scared etc. This dog came through the fog, and right then we all knew that the aliens were going to show up. We were right, and we all high-fived right there in the theater. Then there was this other scene with a marine who was separated from the main group. Again, you’re goddamn right, we knew some kind of alien action was going to happen. When I’m watching movies alone I high-five myself.

<3

Michelle Rodriguez is the only tomboy badass we need:

Natalie Portman was a wannabe tomboy in some terrible movie called, “Leon: The Professional”. Talk about boring. I really don’t want a well thought-out plot, and characters I really care about. Let’s get to some alien blasting, okay? I mean, the most motivation Portman can muster is to be an assassin who kills humans. On the other hand, Michelle Rodriguez is over here single-handedly stopping an alien invasion. Just stop now, Portman, you’re embarrassing yourself.

Jonathan Liebesman’s movies’ bad reviews are lies perpetrated by elitist critics who probably like films like Braveheart, The Dark Knight, The Social Network, Inception, Rear Window, Toy Story 1 and 2, Goodfellas, Terminator 2, City Lights (old garbage black and white film)etc. You can guarantee I won’t let my kids watch any kind of mentally stimulating filth.

Here are reviews of Jonathan Liebesman’s movies taken from rottentomatoes.com:

Darkness Falls:                                                9% on tomatometer   3.3/10 average rating

The Killing Room:                                            56% on tomatometer  5.5/10 average rating

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning:   13% on tomatometer  3.4/10 average rating

Battle: Los Angeles:                                          32% on tomatometer  4.8/10 average rating

Just writing that list made me sick. I’ve come to the conclusion that these “film critics” are most likely a room full of chimps posing as humans, posting negative reviews for Liebesman, and are inside a massive complex – full of lies – that is run by a corrupt organization hell-bent on cash-piling til’ even their dogs are lighting cigars made of hundred dollar bills. Case, fucking, closed.

Go watch Battle: Los Angeles, it’ll be the best movie you see all year.

Grade: A++ x infinity + 2

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Ryan Southard
Ryan Southard 776 posts

Ryan Southard is a video game enthusiast, dissecting games down to their tiniest details. Whether it's new or it's old, as long as it's awesome, he'll play it. Follow him on Twitter at @Ryan_Southard <a href="http://nerdreactor.com/about/">Meet the Nerd Reactor Team</a>