Horrifying Truths of the Mushroom Kingdom – A Satirical ExposéPosted 7:10 am on Friday, September 3rd, 2010 by Ryan Southard
This is a choose-your-own adventure, and you’ve decided to take the red pill. What? You wanted the blue pill? Well, you’re shit out of luck, because this adventure is low-tech and linear, so deal with it. Besides, it’s so much more fun to destroy likable childhood memories, isn’t it?
Here is a picture of what you know to be a Goomba
Even such low-fidelity graphical depictions of Goombas are enough to cause emotional disturbances. The thing has eyebrows for God’s sake!
The horrifying truth is that even our current gaming systems are incapable of properly rendering the multitude of pestilence-filled pores, unnecessary growths of skin, and grotesque eyebrows, let alone the AI necessary for realistic randomized caterpillar-like movement of said eyebrows. This Goomba, crafted as well as it is, can’t truly depict the reality-distorting abomination that is a real Goomba. If you ever see one of these in real life, run like hell to anything that is higher or lower than them, as they are somehow forever confined to whatever X axis they’re born on. Now you’re wondering that if these things are as bad as I’m saying they are, then why does Mario keep rescuing the Princess? Well, somehow his love for Princess Peach is greater than his fear of Goombas.
Koopa Kids’ origin
And who doesn’t love the princess? No, really, I have to ask. I’m sure some of you have thought about it before. It’s that splinter in your mind that Morpheus was talking about. It’s telling you that something is wrong with reality; that maybe, perhaps something, or someone, was missing from the Mario stories. Mario rescued the princess in the first game, and all was well; or at least Mario thought so! In Super Mario Bros. 3 Bowser has kids, so who’s the mom!? Well, you guessed it. It all happened during Peach’s time away in Super Mario Bros. 1, and the Koopa kids stayed behind the scenes and lived with their father. How is it that Nintendo, one of the biggest purveyors of safe, wholesome entertainment let this dirty Jerry Springer-infested nugget taint Super Mario Bros. 3?
The above animation is a portrayal of, you guessed it, how all of those toadstools in the Mushroom Kingdom were created. C’mon Mario, you have a maximum of 99 lives, let the poor girl rest a bit!
Have you ever started up a Mario game thinking: “This is ridiculous. I mean, Bowser captures her so easily. She doesn’t even fight back or attempt to run away either. All she does is wave her arms in the air like she’s hyped up on crack at a hip hop concert.” I’m sorry to tell you, but you’ve found yet another splinter. Peach and Bowser are an item. Yeah, they’re together. Perhaps looking to trade up, Peach decided to go along with Bowser during the first abduction, and found that his castles are loaded with treasure. Peach then colluded with Bowser to create devious traps to kill Mario. What for? Why not just lounge around Bowser Castle all day and swim in gold? Because she had to have Mario’s fortune as well, because she’s a filthy gold coin-mongering whore.
Oh, and a few last things. We all know now how 1ups are made, and 1ups grow and become toadstools. Mario eats 1ups, which means that Mario eats his own baby toadstools. Well, they’re probably his.
Ryan Southard is a video game enthusiast, dissecting games down to their tiniest details. Whether it’s new or it’s old, as long as it’s awesome, he’ll play it. Follow him on Twitter at @Ryan_Southard